Well, I'm all graduated now.
I hate it when people don't listen.
I hate it when someone isn't having fun and no one else actively makes an effort to change that.
I hate vertigo.
I hate it when people show up to the party late.
I hate it when the bf drinks excessively, because he loses the ability to think about his actions or others' feelings, particularly mine.
I hate how "soon" apparently translates to 2+ hours.
I hate seeing pictures taken after I left, because everyone was having fun without me.
I hate that I couldn't get to sleep or sleep in.
I hate that my parents are twofaced and put on an act in public.
I hate that, still, no one seems to understand why I hate my squeaky, rattling ceiling fan.
I hate how nothing was purchased for me to eat - not even cereal... I think I'm supposed to gnaw on my arm or something.
I hate 56k
I hate how far away I am.
I hate that I can't get a hug right now.
I hate that I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, and when it's happening, and that it feels like everything is falling apart. This. Isn't. Right.
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
Wake up.
I think this whole leaving thing finally hit me.
Last night, the bf and I were making characters for role playing with his friends back home. All day, I had been kinda thinking about how I feel like time is running out: I want to spend time with him, I want to hang out with my friends, I want to start actively searching for a job, and I need to clean my room and pack. It all caught up with me during character making time, and I couldn't hold the tears back. I'm really gonna miss these people.
On what may be a related note, I've been having some fucked up dreams lately.
Okay, so I know that a death dream signifies a change within yourself, that a part of yourself is "dead." But what does it mean when the deceased are random babies, and your dad and uncles want your help burying them to get rid of evidence? Or when a random pastor and some of his church buddies go skating on railroad tracks during a thunderstorm and start on fire?
What about when the ink of your new tattoo gets smeared away, or when an old acquaintance tries to get you to cheat on your bf with him and gets pissed when you refuse? Or when your efforts to earn a spot on the baseball team suddenly become efforts to thwart a drumming robber by throwing oreos at him?
Gah. So confused.
But, I've found out in the past few days that I'll probably have a place to live eventually. The bf's sister and her bf started tossing around an idea of the four of us renting a house together, and one of my neighbors will probably be taking an internship in Minneapolis and looking for an apartment/roommate. I don't know which offer I'll take, but at least I have options.
But for now? Back to getting my room organized.
Last night, the bf and I were making characters for role playing with his friends back home. All day, I had been kinda thinking about how I feel like time is running out: I want to spend time with him, I want to hang out with my friends, I want to start actively searching for a job, and I need to clean my room and pack. It all caught up with me during character making time, and I couldn't hold the tears back. I'm really gonna miss these people.
On what may be a related note, I've been having some fucked up dreams lately.
Okay, so I know that a death dream signifies a change within yourself, that a part of yourself is "dead." But what does it mean when the deceased are random babies, and your dad and uncles want your help burying them to get rid of evidence? Or when a random pastor and some of his church buddies go skating on railroad tracks during a thunderstorm and start on fire?
What about when the ink of your new tattoo gets smeared away, or when an old acquaintance tries to get you to cheat on your bf with him and gets pissed when you refuse? Or when your efforts to earn a spot on the baseball team suddenly become efforts to thwart a drumming robber by throwing oreos at him?
Gah. So confused.
But, I've found out in the past few days that I'll probably have a place to live eventually. The bf's sister and her bf started tossing around an idea of the four of us renting a house together, and one of my neighbors will probably be taking an internship in Minneapolis and looking for an apartment/roommate. I don't know which offer I'll take, but at least I have options.
But for now? Back to getting my room organized.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
On independence, part 2
Hi, I appear to enjoy abandoning my blog for a few days at a time...
I've been sick. Last night was probably the worst. It involved hacking, cramps, puking, and near-seizures, as well as a "comf up here pls?" text message to the bf. All while attempting to absorb every bit of Nyquil except the Ny. Hence why I thought it would be a nice idea to ditch class again today, and not move until I felt I was ready to do so.
I miraculously forced myself out of bed in time for the last day of choir, though, where everyone decided it would be a good idea to ambush - I mean, grouphug - the departing officers. I was in the middle. I hacked on everyone. I can't say I didn't warn them. But on a serious note, that was probably the first moment that it all started to hit me. That this is the end. That I'm not coming back (except to visit once in a while). That, with a few exceptions, I may never see these awesome people again. Like, I consciously know that graduation is coming, but this is the first time I've unconsciously realized it.
I got a little tear in my eye at that moment. But then again, I think I've been overly emotional today anyway - before I dragged myself out of bed, I was watching the sappy wedding/baby shows that are normally on at that time of day.
That may be another sign that I'm ready to get out of here. Okay, I'll admit, I normally get a little teary at the appropriate moments of these shows. It felt different today, though. Like maybe I'm ready to move on to more grownup aspects of life. I don't know if I want to get married ASAP (even though my choir director seems to think we should) and I'm not yet sure if I want to be a mom (I wish I had siblings so I could be an aunt, so I could have the pleasure of spoiling and loving small children without any of the responsibility - a trial run, if you will), but it's still that whole grownup stage of life I'm reaching for.
Which, once again, reminds me of the neighbors. I had to ask them to quiet down the other night. Although I ended up ditching class on Monday, I was still hoping I could make it, and wanted to get as much sleep as possible. They, of course, were in an open room chatting at 11:30. This time, I stepped out and said - in the politest way possible when sick and tired - that I needed as much sleep as I could get and if they could quiet down a bit I would really appreciate it. One girl (out of two or three) quickly apologized - I'm not sure if she meant it - and one just glared at me. Didn't even make eye contact. To their credit, they did quiet down, though.
The next night, they were at it again. I shuffled around in my pajamas for a bit, hoping they'd get the message, but I had to resort to a slight slam of my door followed by a loud shift of the lock. They shut up fast. Probably think I'm a bitch, too, but whatever. Like I hadn't just spoken to them the night before.
It's people like this who need to grow up (I don't mean that to sound nearly as harsh as it probably does). I got to thinking, and realized that there are approximately three levels of maturity in college:
1) Being fully aware that you're still a kid
2) Falsely thinking that you're grown up
3) Actual maturity
#1 is very short-lived: when you move away from home for the first time, but visit all the time because of homesickness and the realization that you still kinda need your parents. #2 is where most people - including the neighbors in question - are at, and is the most irritating stage. In their cases, I don't get it. This is their first time away from home, and I can only guess they elected to live on the 21+ floor to be near mature people. And then they don't talk to many other people, they don't seem very accepting (or willing to be so), and the most current pictures of themselves on their doors feature letter jackets, braces, and considerably different looks. I feel like they have a fear of the now and possibly the future. What is there to fear?
Maybe they fear me (or people like me). I've grown up. It's okay to be mature while still being apprehensive about finishing school and moving on to the real world. But I've hit that point, and there's no turning back.
I've been sick. Last night was probably the worst. It involved hacking, cramps, puking, and near-seizures, as well as a "comf up here pls?" text message to the bf. All while attempting to absorb every bit of Nyquil except the Ny. Hence why I thought it would be a nice idea to ditch class again today, and not move until I felt I was ready to do so.
I miraculously forced myself out of bed in time for the last day of choir, though, where everyone decided it would be a good idea to ambush - I mean, grouphug - the departing officers. I was in the middle. I hacked on everyone. I can't say I didn't warn them. But on a serious note, that was probably the first moment that it all started to hit me. That this is the end. That I'm not coming back (except to visit once in a while). That, with a few exceptions, I may never see these awesome people again. Like, I consciously know that graduation is coming, but this is the first time I've unconsciously realized it.
I got a little tear in my eye at that moment. But then again, I think I've been overly emotional today anyway - before I dragged myself out of bed, I was watching the sappy wedding/baby shows that are normally on at that time of day.
That may be another sign that I'm ready to get out of here. Okay, I'll admit, I normally get a little teary at the appropriate moments of these shows. It felt different today, though. Like maybe I'm ready to move on to more grownup aspects of life. I don't know if I want to get married ASAP (even though my choir director seems to think we should) and I'm not yet sure if I want to be a mom (I wish I had siblings so I could be an aunt, so I could have the pleasure of spoiling and loving small children without any of the responsibility - a trial run, if you will), but it's still that whole grownup stage of life I'm reaching for.
Which, once again, reminds me of the neighbors. I had to ask them to quiet down the other night. Although I ended up ditching class on Monday, I was still hoping I could make it, and wanted to get as much sleep as possible. They, of course, were in an open room chatting at 11:30. This time, I stepped out and said - in the politest way possible when sick and tired - that I needed as much sleep as I could get and if they could quiet down a bit I would really appreciate it. One girl (out of two or three) quickly apologized - I'm not sure if she meant it - and one just glared at me. Didn't even make eye contact. To their credit, they did quiet down, though.
The next night, they were at it again. I shuffled around in my pajamas for a bit, hoping they'd get the message, but I had to resort to a slight slam of my door followed by a loud shift of the lock. They shut up fast. Probably think I'm a bitch, too, but whatever. Like I hadn't just spoken to them the night before.
It's people like this who need to grow up (I don't mean that to sound nearly as harsh as it probably does). I got to thinking, and realized that there are approximately three levels of maturity in college:
1) Being fully aware that you're still a kid
2) Falsely thinking that you're grown up
3) Actual maturity
#1 is very short-lived: when you move away from home for the first time, but visit all the time because of homesickness and the realization that you still kinda need your parents. #2 is where most people - including the neighbors in question - are at, and is the most irritating stage. In their cases, I don't get it. This is their first time away from home, and I can only guess they elected to live on the 21+ floor to be near mature people. And then they don't talk to many other people, they don't seem very accepting (or willing to be so), and the most current pictures of themselves on their doors feature letter jackets, braces, and considerably different looks. I feel like they have a fear of the now and possibly the future. What is there to fear?
Maybe they fear me (or people like me). I've grown up. It's okay to be mature while still being apprehensive about finishing school and moving on to the real world. But I've hit that point, and there's no turning back.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Everything in this post is related, I promise.
Apparently some guy dreamed about a phone number, texted it, and now he's married to the girl behind said phone number. That's adorable. I like how things like that can still happen even though so many people are like, afraid to leave their house. Not to mention that as kids we're all taught not to talk to strangers. I realize the importance of learning the difference between good stranger and bad stranger, but if we just didn't talk to strangers, how would we ever meet people? :)
Case in point: I wouldn't have met the bf if I couldn't talk to strangers.
He's pretty stressed right now, and understandably so. Getting assignments in on time + finishing portfolio + finishing final project + finding an internship while simultaneously trying to tell them that the portfolio they want to see isn't done yet. I hope everything works out and he feels better soon. We tend to reflect each others' moods, so I'm currently feeling pretty stressed about finishing up as well.
I got my resume finished and uploaded to the school's server yesterday. I have yet to really start searching for jobs, though, because I got distracted and began searching for apartments/roommates. (I should probably find a job first so I know how much money I have to play with, y'know?) I found a few sites that are kind of along the lines of eHarmony et. al., except for finding roommates. And they all appear to suck. They fall into one of three categories:
1) Free and crappy (i.e. not updated)
2) Free, but unless you pay your listing will fall to the bottom of the stack
3) Free, but all you can do with that is set up a profile and send messages; if you want to read messages sent to you, you have to pay $6 for a three-day trial or $20 for a month
Yeah. The website mentioned in the 3rd option did seem pretty decent, though. So since it's free to start, I might go with that one, and put a note in my profile to email me at my hotmail address (written in name[at]site[dot]com format, of course) and use a specific subject line. If I end up not liking the service, hey, it was free, and any spam I do get will stay out of my gmail account. Or maybe I'll just make an "I need a roommate!" group on facebook.
Also, I stopped at Deb last night in search of black pants that actually fit me (read: are meant to fit at the hips, not the waist). I didn't check the plus size side, but on the "regular" size side, those bastards didn't have anything above a size 7. I'm a size 11. Yeah. 11 isn't even borderline plus size (I think 15 or 17 is), so it'd be awesome if a store carried a variety of pants in every size, plskthx. However, I did find a black suit coat for $20, so I was sure to nab that. Hooray for finding job interview clothes.
*skims back on last few entries*
Oh, yes. On Thursday I finally went to a free help session in the accounting department and got my taxes done. I was hoping it'd be an actual help session where they teach me how to do the paperwork, but instead, they use e-file and basically do all the work for you. That's nice, I suppose, but knowing how to do my own taxes would be a nice skill to have. But, either way, it's done now. I'll be getting like $500 eventually. Most of which will be going towards new clothes. I should start watching What Not To Wear for ideas.
But, before I graduate, I should probably go do my homework.
Case in point: I wouldn't have met the bf if I couldn't talk to strangers.
He's pretty stressed right now, and understandably so. Getting assignments in on time + finishing portfolio + finishing final project + finding an internship while simultaneously trying to tell them that the portfolio they want to see isn't done yet. I hope everything works out and he feels better soon. We tend to reflect each others' moods, so I'm currently feeling pretty stressed about finishing up as well.
I got my resume finished and uploaded to the school's server yesterday. I have yet to really start searching for jobs, though, because I got distracted and began searching for apartments/roommates. (I should probably find a job first so I know how much money I have to play with, y'know?) I found a few sites that are kind of along the lines of eHarmony et. al., except for finding roommates. And they all appear to suck. They fall into one of three categories:
1) Free and crappy (i.e. not updated)
2) Free, but unless you pay your listing will fall to the bottom of the stack
3) Free, but all you can do with that is set up a profile and send messages; if you want to read messages sent to you, you have to pay $6 for a three-day trial or $20 for a month
Yeah. The website mentioned in the 3rd option did seem pretty decent, though. So since it's free to start, I might go with that one, and put a note in my profile to email me at my hotmail address (written in name[at]site[dot]com format, of course) and use a specific subject line. If I end up not liking the service, hey, it was free, and any spam I do get will stay out of my gmail account. Or maybe I'll just make an "I need a roommate!" group on facebook.
Also, I stopped at Deb last night in search of black pants that actually fit me (read: are meant to fit at the hips, not the waist). I didn't check the plus size side, but on the "regular" size side, those bastards didn't have anything above a size 7. I'm a size 11. Yeah. 11 isn't even borderline plus size (I think 15 or 17 is), so it'd be awesome if a store carried a variety of pants in every size, plskthx. However, I did find a black suit coat for $20, so I was sure to nab that. Hooray for finding job interview clothes.
*skims back on last few entries*
Oh, yes. On Thursday I finally went to a free help session in the accounting department and got my taxes done. I was hoping it'd be an actual help session where they teach me how to do the paperwork, but instead, they use e-file and basically do all the work for you. That's nice, I suppose, but knowing how to do my own taxes would be a nice skill to have. But, either way, it's done now. I'll be getting like $500 eventually. Most of which will be going towards new clothes. I should start watching What Not To Wear for ideas.
But, before I graduate, I should probably go do my homework.
Monday, April 2, 2007
brr
It snowed! And it's freezing! And we're under a winter storm watch! WTF!
Last night, as the bf was coming upstairs, he was cornered by a couple of his neighbors. One was drunk, the other was sober. Apparently the following conversation took place:
drunk: *whispers loudly* "where are you going?"
bf: *points up*
drunk: *whispers loudly* "why?"
sober: "because his girlfriend lives up there."
drunk: *whispers loudly* "...why?"
bf: "because she has nice cans."
Goddamn, my boyfriend's an asshole. :P
I was worried about graduation. I didn't get my grad plans turned in until this semester, and I was afraid it all wasn't going to go through in time. I was down by records the other day and happened to gleam the grad list for my name, so the fact that it was there was a good sign. But then today, I received my acceptance letter in the mail. I'm graduating!
I also stopped by career services and had my "resume" checked, which was pretty helpful. I was planning on snooping around on Monster tonight during the Twins game, but then I remembered that I have a paper due tomorrow. Shit. I didn't even really get the draft done last week. I ended up kinda dwindling off, then writing down a bunch of questions I had for whoever read it during class. They gave some really good feedback, which helped me clarify what I was doing a bit better, but I'm still confused on the whole thing. That probably makes sense to no one except me. Point is, the topic is frustrating me. I like the idea of it, but once I got into it, I found it tough to write about. I want to change... but to what topic?
...Meh. Off to rack my brain for ideas.
Last night, as the bf was coming upstairs, he was cornered by a couple of his neighbors. One was drunk, the other was sober. Apparently the following conversation took place:
drunk: *whispers loudly* "where are you going?"
bf: *points up*
drunk: *whispers loudly* "why?"
sober: "because his girlfriend lives up there."
drunk: *whispers loudly* "...why?"
bf: "because she has nice cans."
Goddamn, my boyfriend's an asshole. :P
I was worried about graduation. I didn't get my grad plans turned in until this semester, and I was afraid it all wasn't going to go through in time. I was down by records the other day and happened to gleam the grad list for my name, so the fact that it was there was a good sign. But then today, I received my acceptance letter in the mail. I'm graduating!
I also stopped by career services and had my "resume" checked, which was pretty helpful. I was planning on snooping around on Monster tonight during the Twins game, but then I remembered that I have a paper due tomorrow. Shit. I didn't even really get the draft done last week. I ended up kinda dwindling off, then writing down a bunch of questions I had for whoever read it during class. They gave some really good feedback, which helped me clarify what I was doing a bit better, but I'm still confused on the whole thing. That probably makes sense to no one except me. Point is, the topic is frustrating me. I like the idea of it, but once I got into it, I found it tough to write about. I want to change... but to what topic?
...Meh. Off to rack my brain for ideas.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I did it!
I finally got to try out the clarifications I received from the designer of that skull scarf. And look!
It ended up being incredibly freaking easy. See, there's a stitch called a "yarn over," and then there's wrapping your yarn around the needle and pretending it's a stitch. I tried the wrapping method, and it looked really fucked up, so I ripped the whole thing apart and started over, wanting to somehow try the technical yarn over stitch when I should've known damn well that wasn't going to work over bound off stitches. [/jargon] But apparently I needed to do the pseudo-stitch method and realize that it was just going to look fucked up for now. See, once I finish it's going to be dunked in water and soap and magically turned into a felt-like fabric. Okay, the process is a bit more complicated than that (and I'm kinda nervous about how it's going to work in the dorms). But either way, I'll be able to cut all those yarnies going across the nose and eye holes, and it'll look pretty, and I'll be able to give it to the bf.
*jumps around*
I've also been working on those fingerless gloves a wee bit. I finally finished the resized left glove, except for the thumb.
Right now I need to go be productive for a while, though. The bf's been talking about how this week and next week are the prime hiring times, and it reminded me that I still don't have a resume. At all. I would love to get a real job straight out of college. So, off to work on that.
But first, watch Barenaked Ladies sing a song in a bathroom.
It ended up being incredibly freaking easy. See, there's a stitch called a "yarn over," and then there's wrapping your yarn around the needle and pretending it's a stitch. I tried the wrapping method, and it looked really fucked up, so I ripped the whole thing apart and started over, wanting to somehow try the technical yarn over stitch when I should've known damn well that wasn't going to work over bound off stitches. [/jargon] But apparently I needed to do the pseudo-stitch method and realize that it was just going to look fucked up for now. See, once I finish it's going to be dunked in water and soap and magically turned into a felt-like fabric. Okay, the process is a bit more complicated than that (and I'm kinda nervous about how it's going to work in the dorms). But either way, I'll be able to cut all those yarnies going across the nose and eye holes, and it'll look pretty, and I'll be able to give it to the bf.
*jumps around*
I've also been working on those fingerless gloves a wee bit. I finally finished the resized left glove, except for the thumb.
Right now I need to go be productive for a while, though. The bf's been talking about how this week and next week are the prime hiring times, and it reminded me that I still don't have a resume. At all. I would love to get a real job straight out of college. So, off to work on that.
But first, watch Barenaked Ladies sing a song in a bathroom.
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